The quiet afternoon shift...

I had always suspected it, often had individual examples, and was even lucky enough to observe the occasional group specimen, but really, after only a few shifts as bird behind the bar, this bird has now gained conclusive proof. Not only do men never grow up, (that would be the least of it) but they are stuck in a timewarp of their own unending blend of self righteous megalomania and an obsession with UFO's (Unruly Female Orifices).

Fat ol' boy: “Now when you go home tonight, you gonna give your boyfriend a good ham sand-witch then?”, to which I told him with word and with eye to never address me with such vileness again.

The funny thing was, when I moved away, I am sure his cronies huddled around him and explained to him that I'm “one o' them”....... which particular “one o' them” he was refering to I'm not so sure, as they seem to have plenty to choose from...

I've felt on the edge of a rant for the last half of my shift (just the edge? Admire the restraint and worship at my temple of forbearance, oh feeble mortals). For the first half of the shift I was the only one in the pub, and sat with me guitar for some of the time. In fact....if there's cameras in the office (which I'm sure there is ) then the landlord will have espied me on occasion entering the office and doing a few shaky handed, kicks and spiky bends to shake off the bad small minded turgid cesspool mingingness that was massing on t'other side of the bar. One of them soon started on ““the mooslims” all of em..this 'ere now is a mooslim country..they got it all now....and they dont like the smell of what I cook...etc etc etc blah blah blah..”

I dont think I will stay very long at this job...i did not voice my opinion there and then, life sometimes seems a little short to challenge every small minded tosser, otherwise I wouldn't even make it as far as the bathroom. But if I had let it out I don't think I would have stopped ........ for a very long time. Probably for as long a time as the U.K. has been inflicting uncontrolled damage, pillaging all and sundry and setting peaceful people against each other , as long as men have used their inability to control their putrid desires as an excuse for pitiable immature behaviour, as long as the sky has faced the firmament, as long as.......................

racist mysogynistic cloaca's (look it up in a dictionary) inhabit this blue and peaceful planet with …....,... all of them.

Such insight...

Three of the regular semi-retired wise monkeys come into the bar (spout-no-bollocks, hear-no-bollocks and has-no-money-to-buy-a-pint-but-always-turns-up-every-afternoon-anyway), order a couple of pints and a double vodka and coke (breakfast discount not currently offered here). As regular saturday-at-dawn clay pidgeon shooters, they sat and indulged in customary mindless banter about the events of the morning, (luckily no fluffy bunnies for them), when two minutes in, the comedy genius of these pillars of society revealed itself.....

“God said to Adam (one of the regulars at the pub, I think) ,

“Where's Eve?”

He said,

“She went down to the river to wash her fanny.”

“Damn, said God,

“Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish”.

Someone should inform them of the dangers of thrush and other minor but irritating STD's, I mean if this bird's bird smelt of mackerel I'd be suggesting a trip to the GUM clinic, really.

(Would you Adam and Eve it, to this bird's shock and surprise she has just discovered this isn't even an original joke – it's the first on the search engine's list. Imagine, such genius across the known world!)

This bird had a bit of a religious epiphany herself. Or was it just the sudden impact of realisation that actually, blokes, men...never ever grow up. Three three wise men littered their conversation with repeated insinuations of oral sex fantasies as soon as they see a woman at work. Of course, I was only on my knees for their titillation, nothing to do with hard graft, and obviously cleaning shelves is equal to miming multiple sexual positions......... now I understand!

Then one worldly wise and tolerant friend to the fluffy bunny (maybe) spouted... “him and him, they're gay like, but they more like friends...that's what it is to be gay innit, just like friends...i know about it like...” such wisdom I am eternally grateful for.

In this humble birds considered opinion, is it possible they may be stuck in an eternal limbo of mysogynistic racist homophobic rant of shit wankerness..., or is it just me?

And breathe .................

Bird Behind The Bar Continued...

It has been some while since this bird posted. This was in part due to a rapid change of identity and full body transplant, but not solely.

Sometimes it takes an interval of quality-assured meditation to digest the pearls of wisdom gleaned from the myriad of mages present in the bar. After digestion, cogitation and the expression of copious anger through abusive language and a large bottle of G&T, this bird wishes you to receive the wisdom of the bar in coherent and considered glory. This takes time.