The quiet afternoon shift...

I had always suspected it, often had individual examples, and was even lucky enough to observe the occasional group specimen, but really, after only a few shifts as bird behind the bar, this bird has now gained conclusive proof. Not only do men never grow up, (that would be the least of it) but they are stuck in a timewarp of their own unending blend of self righteous megalomania and an obsession with UFO's (Unruly Female Orifices).

Fat ol' boy: “Now when you go home tonight, you gonna give your boyfriend a good ham sand-witch then?”, to which I told him with word and with eye to never address me with such vileness again.

The funny thing was, when I moved away, I am sure his cronies huddled around him and explained to him that I'm “one o' them”....... which particular “one o' them” he was refering to I'm not so sure, as they seem to have plenty to choose from...

I've felt on the edge of a rant for the last half of my shift (just the edge? Admire the restraint and worship at my temple of forbearance, oh feeble mortals). For the first half of the shift I was the only one in the pub, and sat with me guitar for some of the time. In fact....if there's cameras in the office (which I'm sure there is ) then the landlord will have espied me on occasion entering the office and doing a few shaky handed, kicks and spiky bends to shake off the bad small minded turgid cesspool mingingness that was massing on t'other side of the bar. One of them soon started on ““the mooslims” all of em..this 'ere now is a mooslim country..they got it all now....and they dont like the smell of what I cook...etc etc etc blah blah blah..”

I dont think I will stay very long at this job...i did not voice my opinion there and then, life sometimes seems a little short to challenge every small minded tosser, otherwise I wouldn't even make it as far as the bathroom. But if I had let it out I don't think I would have stopped ........ for a very long time. Probably for as long a time as the U.K. has been inflicting uncontrolled damage, pillaging all and sundry and setting peaceful people against each other , as long as men have used their inability to control their putrid desires as an excuse for pitiable immature behaviour, as long as the sky has faced the firmament, as long as.......................

racist mysogynistic cloaca's (look it up in a dictionary) inhabit this blue and peaceful planet with …....,... all of them.

Such insight...

Three of the regular semi-retired wise monkeys come into the bar (spout-no-bollocks, hear-no-bollocks and has-no-money-to-buy-a-pint-but-always-turns-up-every-afternoon-anyway), order a couple of pints and a double vodka and coke (breakfast discount not currently offered here). As regular saturday-at-dawn clay pidgeon shooters, they sat and indulged in customary mindless banter about the events of the morning, (luckily no fluffy bunnies for them), when two minutes in, the comedy genius of these pillars of society revealed itself.....

“God said to Adam (one of the regulars at the pub, I think) ,

“Where's Eve?”

He said,

“She went down to the river to wash her fanny.”

“Damn, said God,

“Now I'll never get the smell out of the fish”.

Someone should inform them of the dangers of thrush and other minor but irritating STD's, I mean if this bird's bird smelt of mackerel I'd be suggesting a trip to the GUM clinic, really.

(Would you Adam and Eve it, to this bird's shock and surprise she has just discovered this isn't even an original joke – it's the first on the search engine's list. Imagine, such genius across the known world!)

This bird had a bit of a religious epiphany herself. Or was it just the sudden impact of realisation that actually, blokes, men...never ever grow up. Three three wise men littered their conversation with repeated insinuations of oral sex fantasies as soon as they see a woman at work. Of course, I was only on my knees for their titillation, nothing to do with hard graft, and obviously cleaning shelves is equal to miming multiple sexual positions......... now I understand!

Then one worldly wise and tolerant friend to the fluffy bunny (maybe) spouted... “him and him, they're gay like, but they more like friends...that's what it is to be gay innit, just like friends...i know about it like...” such wisdom I am eternally grateful for.

In this humble birds considered opinion, is it possible they may be stuck in an eternal limbo of mysogynistic racist homophobic rant of shit wankerness..., or is it just me?

And breathe .................

Bird Behind The Bar Continued...

It has been some while since this bird posted. This was in part due to a rapid change of identity and full body transplant, but not solely.

Sometimes it takes an interval of quality-assured meditation to digest the pearls of wisdom gleaned from the myriad of mages present in the bar. After digestion, cogitation and the expression of copious anger through abusive language and a large bottle of G&T, this bird wishes you to receive the wisdom of the bar in coherent and considered glory. This takes time.

Brokebackwards Thinking

Returning once again to comfortable mornings of coffee and Radio 4 with the papers, I am happy to be listening again to a much wider range of political views than those I heard in The Pub. Although I find these new inputs much less disturbing sources of opinion in general, they are of course not without their biases and flaws. I have heard several and repeated references to the phrase "Brokeback coalition", as used by David Davis. Though the phrase was coined back in July, it is still being used by newspapers and journalists across the board, though of course always in quotation marks: everyone knows that means it doesn't count. This comment sounds to me like a thinly intellectually veiled version of schoolkid taunts such as, "You're gay, you are.", or describing male friends as "Bum Chums". Whilst I am not surprised that members of our esteemed democratic House are capable of using such base sexual insults, I am surprised that as yet I have heard not shock, dismay or even a hint of reticence over the use of this phrase. The implication of this comment is firstly that men who work together closely must be gay, and secondly, and most importantly, it implies that this would be a bad thing. Am I the only person who finds these repeated assertions of homophobic views insinuating themselves into allegedly intelligent media sources extremely disturbing?

Bird of Leisure

After an entertaining holiday, I have now returned to the first day of life as a full-time musician (model, actress, whatever ...... ), so I now have oodles of time to devote to you, my readers, and solitary, but very much appreciated, current follower. Cursed with the contradiction of so many of the creative bent, I find that now I have time on my hands to fulfill all the wild ambitions I nurtured in dull hours behind the bar, I can't quite retain the fervour and focus on these ambitions. I have spent my first full day of freedom prevaricating, procrastinating and drinking ridiculous amounts of tea. I have thoroughly absorbed several hours of Radio 4 whilst smoking profuse numbers of roll-ups, then washed all the dishes in a brief moment of guilt. I then did some baking. Please help.

Dyke & Pen

This Bird looks forward to the opening one day of the Dyke & Pen - a country pub with a city attitude.

The Horrors of Alcohol

This Bird always knew it was wrong just on pure taste; how can anything that revolting be innocent? Now there is proof ........................ follow the link from this post or go to
http://www.rcgfrfi.easynet.co.uk/ratb/boycott/

Parting Is Such Sweet Sorrow

I apologise, but there are no wise cracks or funny stories today. Your own dear Bird is feeling a little sad today. Management discussions ended in a regretfully tendered resignation. I am going to miss the new friends made at the Pub, and the entertainment inadvertently and intentionally provided. I'm also feeling disappointed that it had to come to this. A battle could be fought to make a point, but would the point be made? At present, I am trying to see the situation as one where I have made a stand and refused to tolerate unacceptable behaviour, and hopefully may serve as an example to others. I am not sure a battle would acheive enlightenment on any side, although if the job had been one I was more passionate about maybe I would have fought a little harder? My high point was explaining to a 9 year old girl why I had left. If she grows up knowing that she can always walk away from hatred and aggressive behaviour, then the whole episode will be worthwhile.

A Serious Angry Rant

Serving beer is the easy bit.

Apart from the interminable removal of all traces of urine, vomit, stale beer and random detritus from the premises, dealing with drunken cloacas is the main chore of working behind a bar. As well as the slimey chat-up lines and inappropriate sexual innuendo that has to be endured on an hourly basis by any bar staff in possesion of a pair of breasts, and the aggressive drunks intent on destruction of themselves, someone else or both, there is occasionaly a customer harbouring more sinister intentions. A male who is both disrespectful of women and violent. A male who uses staggeringly abusive language and threatens bar staff. A male who rams his way out of a car park roaring drunk in his BMW despite the sober pleas of his friends. A male with a history of serious violence against women.

This kind of behaviour is unfortunately an occupational hazard for any bird behind a bar, and something that I did expect to encounter, given that I was working in an environment almost by definition dominated by drunk men, (not, I hasten to add, that this Bird has not encountered other birds being a right royal drunken pain in the arse, they just don't have behind them the full force of patriarchal self-righteousness and legal precedent, frequently combined with greater physical strength).

What this Bird was not expecting was the complacency of her employers and co-workers. Not forgetting for a moment the sole other female employee who continued to serve the above mentioned gentleman, despite his heinous behaviour, in a heart-warming display of female solidarity, other staff delivered such iniquitous comments as, "I don't want you to think I'm taking sides, and if you don't want to serve him, that's ok, but we'll continue to serve him until we see him misbehave ourselves." Marvellous, now the guy will feel justified in thinking the entire episode is a personal issue and that his behaviour is perfectly acceptable, and it's just that some up-tight bitch has a problem with him. Another: "Maybe we should put a sign up. I want to say a fair usage policy but that's not quite what I mean." Is it not? What sign? "No misogynistic assholes allowed in here, though if you come in we won't actually bar you"?

This Bird is angry; angry that due to not being taken seriously by staff and employers she now feels unsafe walking home; angry at the complacency that all women who are victims of male violence are forced to endure. This Bird will endure it no longer. Watch this space.......................

Answers On A Postcard 2

Not that your Bird would ever speculate idly on customers private life, but when a middle-aged woman checks in for a week at the B&B, fully paid up, and leaves after an hour with no complaint saying she was more than happy with the room .............. what do you reckon dear readers? I'm sure you can come up with some much more interesting theories than me................................................ No, really, go on, answers in the comment box, it'll be fun, promise.

An offer that can't be refused

Unfortunately there are many gentleman out there that still can't quite tell the difference between a barmaid and an 0898 service, but here is a particularly choice chat up line from a self-proclaimed farmer boy in his sixties, complete with last night's vomit stains congealing on his nylon jumper........
"You're bloody gorgeous you are, proper bit of stuff. You wanna come for a drink with me? I've got a tractor. I have. A big green one!"
Flattered? I nearly turned!

job-hunting

This Bird has been looking for gainful employment, and went for an interview as a care worker. Despite being successful she has decided not to take the job as it appears to be exactly the same job as her current one only without the opportunity to drink on duty. I shall be with you for just a little longer yet ..........

overheard 2

Forget the trials of the working mother, childcare and alcholism can be hard to negotiate.......

"Well the ex is always giving me a hard time about my drinking, but I keep it in check when the boy's about. Like this weekend, I only went down the pub for three or four to recover from the night before, and once I picked him up, I only came down here for a few before I took him to the chip shop. And it wasn't my fault the chippie wasn't open, so I had to pop to the W******l for a couple while we waited, and then it still wasn't open, so I got a pizza and some cans from Tesco, and I only burnt the pizza cos I'd had a few. I was puking up this really red disgusting bile in the sink, and he rang his Mum and proper grassed me up. Right grassed me up he did." Kids huh!

gay day

We held a random but highly enjoyable punk pride at the pub a couple of weeks ago, refered to as "gay day" by the locals. It was ace to see the old boy regulars dancing around with dolled up trannies and punk rockers ..... even my nana came along for a cup of tea. Sometimes i do love the pub. The best comment of the week was a day or two after tho, when a trans woman who drinks in the pub regularly said that after years of dealing with abuse left right and centre, the pride event had given her the confidence to walk out the door that morning and not give a flying f**k what anyone said.
Moron prize of the week went to an old boy regular who said, in front of the gay bar staff in a gay run pub sitting next to two of the gay regulars, " I don't mind tolerating them, but I draw the line at socialising ..... I mean, if we encourage them to drink here they might end up taking over ...." .......... suppose at least you could say he's not paranoid!

can i help?

Your own Bird was struggling the other night to find the switch to turn off the gaming machine. The last straggling regular comes across ....... 'Don't worry love, I'll turn it off for ya.".... and headbutts the screen into oblivion. Didn't even turn it off either.

how far?

One of the old boy regulars frequently starts conversations about immigrants. I do my best to politely disagree, pointing out that he has spent most of his working life exploiting the financial benefits of working abroad and recouping appropriate tax benefits under a system of world financial imbalance created by violent racist colonialism, and to denigrate others for attempting to begin to redress the balance from their point of non-violent, non-colonial disadvantage is a little hypocritical.
At what point would it be reasonable for me to inform him that his ignorant racism, selfishness and general offensiveness is akin to fascism and banish him to a thirld-world war-zone in order to investigate why he needs to take his head out of his arse?
Answers on a postcard ..............

Overture

The Pub: A window on life.... slightly smeared, with well-worn grubby edges................
Me: A minimum-wage muppet with dreams of creative fulfillment desperately hunting for some sense from the wrong side of the bar .................or maybe an opportunity to off-load without ranting at my long-suffering girlfriend ..........

overheard 1

so what's ikea stand for then?

well, its his name, innit?

but whass the i for?

ikea

and the k?

thas is name innit, ikea, like dyson

nah, thats dice innit. them little fings wiv dots on